so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
