How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
