Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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