youre lurking in front of me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
