I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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