What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
