id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
