I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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