i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
