so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
