Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
