i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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