Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
