At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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