I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
