Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
