actually, I'm a sock model
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's shark week go big or go home
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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