I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
