We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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