K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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