He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
