Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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