He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
