Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
