If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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