I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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