totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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