Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
