Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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