just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
