I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
