i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
