i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
