Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
