You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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