My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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