My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
