I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
