Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
