Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
