This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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