so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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