I just cut my nipple shaving
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
