Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
