When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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