go do what you do best...puke behind churches
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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