rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
