and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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