u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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