when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
