Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
