I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
