I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I AM VODKA MAN
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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