Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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